Mambo Taxi

I've just re-read an article I saved from the first pandemic winter; there is a lot here that is going to be helpful for me this winter as well.

"How to make this winter not totally suck, according to psychologists"
https://www.vox.com/future-perfect/2020/10/14/21508422/winter-dread-covid-19-pandemic-happiness-psychology

"Rather than fixating on our inner worlds and woes, we can strive to promote what some psychologists call “small self.” Virginia Sturm, who directs the Clinical Affective Neuroscience lab at the University of California San Francisco, defines this as “a healthy sense of proportion between your own self and the bigger picture of the world around you.
...
The practices involve cultivating different states — social connectedness, a clear purpose, inspiration — but all have one thing in common: They get you to focus on something outside yourself."

Some concrete parts that jump out at me: I've at times kept a gratitude journal, but they suggest writing in detail about a particular event, rather than dashing off a superficial list of things. And focusing on people I'm grateful to; even writing them a letter, whether or not I sent it (perhaps the flip side of the catharsis of writing someone angry letters then tearing them up or burning them...)

I just went to the going-away reception for a colleague of dan's, a man of many talents who is moving west to become a CTO at another University. There were hors d'oeuvre, wine, cheese. And there were many speeches; some entirely professional and largely boring, some more heartfelt messages with personal touches. But you could tell this man will be missed for his even-keeled and wise service to the University.

And so, walking Rover just now, I was trying to determine exactly what I was feeling in response. I thought, for a while, that it was sort of a proxy pride-mixed-with-loyalty; watching all of these people who'd been working together for decades, showing honour to one of their beloved colleagues.

I'd be feeling it by proxy because of course it's second-hand imagining of their pride and loyalty, recognizing their depth of connections over the decades. And while I do feel loyalty to the University (as an excellent employer, as a source of social and societal good, as somewhere I hope to work for a long time) it's not anywhere near the loyalty of someone who had given it his all, for multiple decades, in a career he'd spent his entire life in.

So, I figured this proxy feeling was best personally described as "inspiration". And that was OK.

But you know, that's not quite it. As I watched Rover run in the school-yard I realized something else was more true. What struck me, hearing these profs pay their respects, was a personal profound sense of getting older.

Not in a negative sense, at all. Or, yes, but not only. Realizing it's the way of things. You spend your time on earth in whatever you're going to do; and possibly you pay attention and get better at things (and possibly the things you're better at, manage to find you). And perhaps you are recognized for the things you do, or perhaps you just know, yourself, and that's OK. And maybe if you're very lucky, it makes a great story; or maybe it seems dull.

But it's your life, every step, and you wouldn't be here if you hadn't been there first. And the you, now, can see a lot further because of it. And it's like seeing a photo of yourself from a decade ago with that hair and clothes and realizing shit, I really thought that would look good on me? And like listening to a Quaker friend's twelve-year-old go on about how much he loves watching The Wizard of Oz over and over, and as he gesticulates wildly with his hands, keeping the Cheshire grin to yourself (and thanking God for his parents not being bigots). And it's like recognizing to yourself the dues you've paid, ultimately OK with them even if they were crazy over-priced stupid dues.

And maybe, looking honestly and lovingly at the you-of-half-your-lifespan-ago and whether, if the two of you met, younger-you would laugh out loud in surprise (and maybe awe) at the you-of-now. And you're mostly looking forward to discovering the you-of-the-same-timespan in the future. Shit, he really thought that was a good idea then, didn't he? By God, yes, I do. And you'll please be keeping that smirk to yourself, future-me?

And maybe they won't throw a party with canapés and the University President, which is probably better off if they don't; and maybe actually the worst is yet to come. But maybe you get to use that as a stepping-off point to something even better than you'd ever imagine from here, the you-of-now who is getting older and paying attention and being open to the chance that the best is yet to come.

So our house is being haunted by the world's most Trivial Poltergeist. Particularly, the very pretty wooden clock in the dining room is haunted (see the top-right of this photo from d's citizenship party). The pendulum is entirely for show; it's powered by a battery. The Trivial Poltergeist will stop and start the pendulum at random intervals. Recently, the pendulum has been mostly still, and it bugs both d. and me that it won't work. For d., mostly because it looks bad, and for me because it looks bad for my mechanical abilities that I can't figure out a fake clock pendulum.

On Saturday, bats22 jokingly wondered what would happen if I doubled the voltage. Ding! (actually, *clonk*): two batteries increases the electromagnet's pull, but it doesn't change the frequency. So it swings rreeeallly wiiiide now. Next I'm nudging down the voltage, now that it's kept itself going long enough for me to know this isn't a transient fix (like the last 8 or so have been). Poltergeist bug us not!

There is a punchline, which is that this morning I was going to simply post this entry as a haiku:


The pendulum swings
Under doubled batteries
Faster than we'd like


...I reconsidered, on grounds that cryptic poetry in livejournal may look more dramatic than I intended.

...Not connected to the previous, a note to myself: If you find yourself saying, "I am a river of peace, water washes over me goddammit." You're Doing It Wrong.

Three character traits I would like to work on. I've decided this is a goal for the rest of 2006, that I want to be able to measure real progress. Why post it publicly?

Why not?

( Cut for the non-introspectively minded this morning )